More Ovaltine Please

Mmm.  Sometimes I am seriously in the mood for some chocolate milk. Not just any chocolate milk, however. Ovaltine. My momma bought Eddie and I a ton of Ovaltine a long time ago, and I am finally on the last can. It’s such a yummy dessert snack.

In WordPress news, I have recently become a fan to two blogs that Steph follows: betty and pantry. They are enjoyable to read, and they are random posters like me (although much more entertaining!).

Otherwise, I am just watching Big Brother. It’s surprisingly addicting.

Still working on organizing for package. I would love to have the next 4 weeks off to get the house in order. BUT since that isn’t going to happen, I am just going to chip away at it. (Bruzer, our puppy, is adorably sleeping with his head propped on my foot. I’m going to have to figure out how to stick some pictures into my posts.)

Back to Big Brother … and Ovaltine …

Weddings

Lately I’ve been watching several wedding-themed shows. I mostly enjoy the cake-making wedding shows. But I have noticed that I tend to have mixed feeling about wedding expenditures. I empathize with it being a special event and the bride wanting it to feel like her magnificent day. I just can’t bring myself to delve into spending hundreds of dollars on a dress, another few hundred dollars on a cake, and yet another few hundred dollars on feeding a ton of people (or providing them with an open bar). For some women, all of this is important. Not me. My wedding day will be special, and I will have people that are important to me there. I just do not feel the need to spend so much money and hooplah on all of it.

My tentative wedding plans? Well I do think it would be enjoyable to get all dolled up. So maybe a pretty (yet affordable) dress. Definitely do my own hair and makeup (or have a friend help me out). Cake? Angel food cake with berries and whipped cream frosting.  Food? Well, I don’t feel the need to stuff my guests with tons of expensive food. So, how about some fruit and veggies. Gasp! No meat? No. Eat before you come. And no alcohol, thanks.  I really just want a laid back wedding where people feel comfortable and have fun. And I’m all about involving the kids. A big park with footballs, soccer balls, baseballs. Bring your dogs! Very untraditional, I know.

I also am not a big fan of being the center of attention. So any way I can minimize that, the better off I’ll be. As long as I feel loved by my hunny, I’ll be a happy camper.  Wedding plans: /end.

Until next time …

Trabajando

Yes, I am working. And while I should be heading home in 30min., I am going to be working for many more hours. “Why?” you ask. Or maybe you don’t ask, but I’ll tell you anyway. Nature of the job. “What do you do?”  you ask. Again, I’ll tell you regardless of your actual inquisition. I am a research assistant in the microbiology lab that I have worked in since I was a freshman in college. We study marine bacteria. Every so often, someone spends the entire day out on the ocean, collecting seawater. Which I get to filter upon their return. This filtering process can last upwards of 6 hours. Most of you reading this have already heard me whine about being at work so late tonight. So, I’ll spare you anymore of that. And I’ll add the disclaimer that this job is actually quite fantastic. I will likely only need to pop in for a while in the morning to make sure the second part of the filtering process is taken care of. I rarely have to work more than 40 hours/week, everyone is extremely nice/supportive, and great benefits are included also.

Which brings me to my next topic. Delaware. Lovely Delaware. I mean that with the least sincerity possible. Eddie and I (and Bruzer, Punkie, and Girl) are moving to the First State in September. “How did this come about?” you ask. (I know, it’s like I’m in your brain. Strange.) It all started when his work informed him that the grant he was getting paid from was set to run out around August. We have talked about moving out there on and off over the past few years. It just never came to fruition because of school/work/etc. Since we decided to make the move, a few other job opportunities could have arisen, but they aren’t a guarantee. And since we have begun our plans and are ready to go, we are moving ahead with it all.

Enough with my life update. How about some venting? Why do some people have to be so critical of others? There is something about respecting the fact that people see things and interpret things differently that some people just do not understand. There is a definite line between having a strong opinion of your own and telling someone else to believe/feel/think like you. I actually think that more people are not particularly successful in respectfully disagreeing. The way we word ourselves in conflict can hugely affect the outcome of the disagreement. If I feel attacked by your choice of words, or even tone, I am more likely to get defensive and attack back. Rather than rationally sharing ideas and standing firm on either side of the conversation, the ‘disagreement’ turns to stabbing back and forth. I hate this. All we have to do is just keep in mind that not everyone thinks like we do (no one probably likes like we do). And it is okay to disagree. It does not necessarily mean anything negative and does not have to have a negative effect on your relationship with someone. (Of course, for some people, there is a point where not seeing eye to eye on too many things will indicate that a realtionship with that person may not be the best for either person.) Regardless, I cannot stand it when people talk as if they know everything and refuse to consider that there may not be a right or wrong, but merely a difference of opinion/interpretation/experience/feelings/etc.

Until next time…

Response Leezard Style

In response to Lee’s post:  http://sandbaby.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/some-thoughts-about-people/

All right … lots to address here. =) I love that you post, by the way.

Commitment in relationships is intriguing. And I have also seen people that refuse to commit. And I also do not understand the trade off between commitment and waste of time relationships. I do empathize with you about unfairness of couples getting married early into their relationships. And I agree that, for most of them, their chances of splitting up down the road are much higher than people in relationships like yours. But isn’t that life? Some people get breaks. Lots of them. (People that can get married quickly, live in a beautiful home, and have families that help out with finances, etc etc) And some people have to work their asses off to get anywhere. (i.e. you and Bryan .. working hard now to make sure your future is as set as it can be) And some people make silly choices and don’t get very far. (getting married quickly, not thinking about school or jobs or money..)

The humility topic is more difficult. I think there is a fine line between judging someone and not being comfortable around them. I’ll use myself as an example. I would never consider myself above ‘drug dealers, prostitutes, and strippers,’ but I don’t like being around people who make those kinds of choices for a few reasons. 1. I get really uncomfortable because of everything I have gone through with my own family members. 2. I don’t like the choices they have made, and I choose not to surround myself with people that make those kinds of choices. Now, if we are talking about someone who needs someone or who is open to help, then I’ll be the first one in line. But if they insist on hurting themselves and other people around them, then I’m not interested. And I don’t think that is an ‘I’m better than you’ attitude.

Yes, the ‘I’m perfect’ today and ‘I’m hideous’ tomorrow attitude is seriously irritating. Sometimes people need compliments and encouragement. That I understand, and, sure, I need that, too. But to be in that intense of a self-esteem crisis is not a good thing. And counseling may be in order. To many people, material gifts are signs that someone cares. So, receiving them makes someone feel as though the person who gave it to them cares about them. So, I get that. But constantly flashing such items is petty and unnecessary. And if it makes you feel THAT good when you get gifts like that, maybe you need to re-evaluate what about life fulfills you.

Ok. Responsibility. SUCH an irritating topic. Yes, most people do not agree with rules. Well, a lot of people are stupid enough to think that there should be no rules. Yes, a lot of rules may be silly, but a world with no rules would not be a world I would want to live in. That being said, just because you don’t agree with the rules, doesn’t mean you can live without regard to them and not have consequences. Ok, so you don’t want to pay for car insurance. You know the laws. Don’t bitch about it when you pay a huge fine for not carrying car insurance. Oh this one really gets me: people who have a temporary registration permit for their vehicle .. then don’t go to DMV and take care of the registration before the temp is up .. get a ticket the day after it expires .. then bitch that they got the ticket! Really.

Side note: I don’t speed. Not in fear of a ticket .. just more comfortable not speeding.

It can take a long time to really understand how to look at life with a positive attitude. Especially if you go difficult situations day in and day out as a younger person. Once you are removed from that situation, it can be difficult to say ‘yay I’m out, now I can keep being motivated to do better.’ There needs to be a segment of time where you actually deal with all of the emotion that has been pushed aside so you can just deal. That being said, I do think there is a point where enough is enough. Ok. You’ve delt with your feelings. (Or you need to talk to a councelor if you are still struggling.) Oh. Also, there is a big difference between dealing with emotional stress and blaming others for your emotional stress. It is entirely possible to know that you were in a bad situation because of someone else’s bad choices without actually blaming them for your own hardships.

Goals. Mine are constantly changing. I think have core goals that never change, but my path toward them changes constantly. I used to be uneasy about that, but I have come to appreciate that I can roll with uncertainty. Yes, I still have a plan A-Z, but I’m okay with having to switch plans and plan new plans. And I am finally comfortable with plans not working out how I .. planned. I feel that I am considerate of those around me, but I want to show it more. And I need to stop being afraid of letting people get to know me. I worry far to much about what others think of me, and I need compliments/encouragment far too much. I, too, have been slacking, but since I’m graduating in two weeks, I’ll worry about tackling that once medical school is nearer.

Thanks, Lee, for giving me something to write about. I love how much you make me think. And I miss you. You are so real, and you have always been a positive person for me.

Say Hello to the Non-poster

I have learned that, for the most part, posting is just not my thing. It’s fine when I am sitting at home with either nothing to do or with things to do that I really don’t want to do. But that doesn’t happen very often. As with every term, we are busy busy busy. In about 6 weeks, we’ll be done, though. Unfortunately. Sort of. I’m ready to not have to worry about school for while, but I would rather worry about school than finding a job. No one is hiring. The economy is plummeting. And I am still jobless. Eddie will hopefully be able to keep his job at the USDA lab, but my lab doesn’t have the money to keep people around once they’ve graduated. Not to mention they are completely disorganized and don’t know how to delegate projects to people. I applied for a lab assistant job at the hospital. That didn’t work out. So here I am trying not to worry about it too much because finishing up the term so I can graduate is more important than something I don’t have TOO much control over right now. But once classes are done, I’ll be a wreck if I don’t find something. Thankfully, we can easily survive on our budget with just Eddie working full time. But I don’t want to sit at home while he’s working. So there are a few things I have thought about as options to consider:

1. Teach for America. My application is due in about 2 weeks. I am really torn with this. I know it is something I can do and will probably enjoy doing. But there are a lot of fine lines that are tough. First, we would have to move. Far. And fast. And that is expensive. Also, I’m not sure where they would place me considering I am turning the application in on the final deadline and other people have already been accepted. If they like my application, then I do a phone interview, have two people write recommendation letters, do an in-person interview with a sample lesson plan. If I make it through all of that, then I am placed somewhere and from late June through early August I will be most likely in NYC for a 5 week training session, working with kids in summer school and learning how to effectively teach. That’s the scary part for me. First of all, I don’t enjoy big cities .. especially NYC. Also, 5 weeks is a long time to be away from home and Eddie and our babies. And I have to ‘live’ with other people and … I’m just at a point where I am really struggling with not knowing if I am fighting with my own discomfort or if it is really something that isn’t right for me right now. Big decisions like this are just tough. If they had a region around here, it would be much easier. But moving 3,000 miles away and being by myself for 5 weeks and taking on all of that responsibility at once is .. scary.

2.Short Term Training. The community college here as a few different 15-20 week training programs for different medicine-related jobs. They are around $4000 each. I feel like this option is really a step backwards for me, but if I can’t find a job any where else, then I may have to go that route, just so I can earn some money. The medical field is one area that is constantly looking for people.

I guess I just really need to get my essays completed for the Teach for America option. It really scares me, but sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to step out of our comfort zone. Not to mention the fact that the program is not for me. It’s for kids. And that is important to me. It is a two-year commitment, and the pay is around $35-40k a year. I’m trying really hard to let things happen on their own more, but let’s face it. Nothing will happen if you let things happen on their own entirely. Someone else’s perception would be great on this. Eddie just kind of says supportive things .. or tries to at least .. but he rarely has any opinions of his own. And I just get overwhelmed. I’m scared to dive into something like that. Moving is expensive. We can’t live in an apartment with the babies, so we want to find a house. Renting houses is estremely expensive and a waste of money, but we can’t purchase a home without have established income with low debt (add school loans and you’ve got an uneven balance) or someone else purchases the house and we pay their mortgage. Yes, homes are cheaper to purchase, but everyone is struggling financially and I don’t know anyone who would be able to or willing to purchase.

Laptop is dying, and it’s time for my work out. Until next time…

Second Attempt

I attempted to post a few days ago and failed miserably. I realized that everything coming out of my mind was simply an agenda of responsibilities to come and a list of accomplished obligations. I hate blogging about that. But it seems that when I am so busy with school and work and home and everything .. that’s all my poor mind thinks about. No wonder I’m a basket case. When I am actually somewhat relaxed, shows and movies and other people’s blogs can sometimes get me thinking.

I just finished reading Steph’s blogs. I particularly enjoy her dream blog. I have never been let in to someone’s mind like that. It brings on a feeling of .. comfort, almost. I can’t really explain it. It’s almost like .. all of the jumbled mess that I try to sort through in my mind just goes away when I realize that what I am reading isn’t a synopsis of a show or movie .. but it is a depiction of the chaos that someone else is sorting through. Dreams are interesting, aren’t they? I am truly amazed by our brains’ abilities to sort through memories, misconceptions, emotions, perceptions .. and commingle them in such a way that presents us with a midnight movie. Sometimes it bothers me, though. Sometimes I go to sleep feeling so terrible about something that I pray for a pleasant dream to give me comfort about whatever it is that is hurting me (usually it’s my dad). Other times, I go to sleep perfectly happy, and I wake up with this terribly off-balance feeling. And I’m not sure why. It isn’t until later that I get a flashback of the dream I had and I realize that whatever happened in that dream has left me feeling as though it has really happened. Those are the worst for me.

Speaking of my dad. I have been missing him a lot lately. I find it .. curious .. that this seems to come and go in waves. I will live everyday nearly as a robot, taking care of my everyday to-do list and having a good personal life. Then one day I wake up and I can’t breathe. And I expect it to pass, but it stays. For days. And any little thing that makes me feel ‘off’ in any way .. leads to a drowning sadness. I suppose this is all part of the process. On one hand I think ‘it has only been 5.5 months,’ and then I think that 5.5 months is so long. I guess the ‘only 5.5 months’ helps me to realize that this is a long process, and I shouldn’t beat myself up about how I deal with it. The other side of it is the ‘hard to let go’ side. It couldn’t have been 5.5 months. It was just yesterday. That he called. On the way home from Target. I was driving. He got a play tent for his kitty. I told him that we don’t use litter in our cat boxes because it can be detrimental to their respiratory systems. He didn’t seem .. happy. Eddie and I were having a difficult time, so I was feeling bad. I didn’t feel like talking to him. I wasn’t as nice as I could have been. Sometimes I just don’t know where life goes wrong. The factors that affect things are so intertwined like a mind-boggling, chaotic spider web. Everything is linked, but nothing makes sense.

It’s late. I am supposed to be working in a history paper. I watched ‘The Aviator’ and now have to write a response paper describing how it augments the text, which describes WWII. This would be grand if the movie was about something more than Howard Hughes’ women, fame, intelligence, and OCD. I feel like it was a terrible choice of film to depict the times to which it correlates. So, I’m putting it off. And I shouldn’t be. Because it was technically supposed to be submitted last week. I have a feeling that most of my paper is going to summarize the events of the film, followed by comments that illustrate the lack of connection between the film and time period. On a somewhat bright side, if I do not do as well on this paper as I hope, I can S/U the class (basically a pass/fail basis rather than a letter grade).

Now, where’s that Robitussin.. Until next time …

Ibee?

I stayed home today. I started my period last night, so today was miserable. I really need to get back on birth control pills so I don’t have such painful periods. Terrible cramps mixed with high volume … crummy. Anyway, I stayed home. Took notes on our Food Micro. notes. Read the Pathogenic chapter. Need to do history stuff bad. We don’t have class tomorrow. I almost gave myself a weekend. Except we have an officers meeting for our microbiology club. Not until 5:30pm though. My attempt at curling up on the couch trying to keep warm and hiding from cramping isn’t working too well.

Eddie and I are painting the microbiology computer room on Friday. Should be fun. I’ll have to remember to bring paint clothes. Ooh .. and my camera. =D He should be home soon. I hope. I’m lying down now. Until next time …

One Month + One Day … Four Days

Ok. Ok. Here I am. Posting after one month. These days I feel like there is always something more productive I could be doing. The first two weeks of classes have been pretty productive, I feel like. The only thing I should be doing that I haven’t dove into yet is reading over notes for lectures. My online history class is probably the most demanding. Every week I read at least one chapter, take a practice and then actual quiz, watch a relating movie, and write a 5 page response paper. I have one or two lab reports to write each week for my food microbiology lab. My two lectures – food microbiology and bacterial pathogenesis – are three times a week, and like I said.. I should be at least reading over my notes each week. But .. knowing me .. I’ll most likely just wait until the weekend before an exam and make sure I know everything. Alright. That’s the school shpeal. (That word is not in the Mariam Webster dictionary.)

What else am I doing each day? I work three days a week (when there is something to do). And I help my nephew with his homework every day. I don’t think it is so much that ne needs help. But he needs encouragement and motivation. He needs someone to sit with him and give him confidence. Apparently no one else wants to do that. He’s in 6th grade. He should be able to sit at the table and do his homework without someone sitting with him for two hours. This I know. However. No one spent the time with him when he was younger to build up his confidence. So now, he still needs that.

One Month + Four Days:                                                                                                                                      I obviously never got this post finished and published. So here I sit. At home. When I should be on campus. We didn’t wake up early enough this morning to leave on time, so I just stayed home to catch up on some school work that I haven’t had time to stay on top of. On a side note, foodnetwork is on tv with their somewhat new show ‘Down Home with the Neelys’. They bug me. A lot. Mainly her. He’s not as bad. They’re making some yummy looking cinnamon rolls though. =D Wow she is annoying.

I wish my brain would give me something else to write about. But I’m tired. And not looking forward to spending two hours reading my history book. So. Until next time…

Good Representation?

I have a few more things to talk about than I originally intended. Yay for that because I obviously haven’t been doing this as often as I … intended (I hate using the same word twice like that). When I don’t have that ’spark’ of something to write about, I just end up feeling like it’s more work than enjoyment. So. Here I am. With stuff to talk about. Now I just have to sort my thoughts so that I can elaborate on each one as much as I really want to. Instead of my thoughts going faster than I can keep up with. New method. List thoughts. Explain after.

1. Mariomix DDR
2. Leaving
3. Plan
4. Microbiology

We’ll start with Mariomix DDR. Awesome! I love it! We only have gamecube, so we couldn’t get the ‘real’ DDR. I searched online to see if there was something we could get that was also a decent game. And found this! Got it from EBAY brand new for more than 50% off the retail price. We started playing tonight at 8:45 and I stopped to finally shower at 11:45! Boy did I work up a sweat!! Ok. This is just what I have been looking for. A way to exercise and have so much fun that I don’t even realize it has been 3 hours. Someday when we can afford a Wii or PS2/3, we’ll have to get the ‘real’ DDR. Eddie and I read that the Super Hard mode on Mariomix is comparable to the Easy on the real one. *gasp*

This leads me into leaving. There certainly is a lot I could say about this. I’ll try to keep it organized and compact. So. I’m bummed that we won’t have Mariomix while we’re gone. Maybe my aunt will think it’s a good idea to buy it for their Wii. That would be fun. =D This trip is really a bummer in general. Dropping Bruzer (our awesome puppy) at the kennel for boarding on Wednesday. That means an unpleasant credit card charge since we definitely don’t have enough money to pay $18/day for 10-11 days. Leaving our house Thursday morning at 8:30. Driving to Eugene. Parking our truck there for the time we’re gone. Another credit card charge. Flying to Vegas. I’m bored with flying, and Allegiant charges for drinks. Any drinks. And thanks to loving, selfless, sweet terrorists, I now cannot carry any amount of water or any other drink onto the plane with me. Unless, of course, I pay $5 for a 20oz bottle AFTER I get through security. Anyhow. Once in Vegas I have to go through all of my dad’s things in his storage unit. This is a tough thing no matter what. But having to do it everyone else’s way just makes it really horrible. It is very far from where my aunt lives (about 45 minutes). So, I have to in the morning when others want to go. And I won’t be able to stay as long as I really want because others aren’t going to want to stay that long. It gets better. Eddie and I are driving home instead of flying because I have to somehow bring his things back here. I have been researching rentals online and found that, because I am 21, I can only rent cars from rental companies. No SUVs of any size. No vans of any size. No trucks of any size. Well, there is no way we can fit everything into a car. Next option? A moving company. That means a truck. The moving companies offer caravans (the size of a 15 passenger large van .. just without any seats). However. They do not allow them for one way trips. That brings us back to a truck. The smallest size offered is 10′. The good news is that the way they price it allows us to take our time a bit more than regular rental car companies. Still crappy. Since we should have extra room in the truck, I have a feeling I will bring home a lot of the stuff that I don’t even want to keep. Here, I can recycle and donate things a lot easier than I can down there. Let’s just say my family is .. well .. less than conscious of things like that. And would probably give me attitude if I said I wanted to do it. I’m just not comfortable there. Even if I say I’ll do it myself, the idea of dealing with that is just too much for them. Hopefully me bringing it back here won’t bring on attitude. Well. I’ll deal with that if I have to, I guess. Crap. Where was I going next? Well, I need to find the cheapest storage unit for when we get back home. We have no room in house for anything else. Oh yeah .. the packing and preparing. Next paragraph.

So, before we can leave, I have to get things ready here. That means doing dishes, cleaning counters, doing laundry, making sure there is nothing the cats can ruin or die from, fixing my pants (there’s a hole I need to mend). Tomorrow I will most likely be working from 11ish until 5ish. So, I’ll be doing all of that when I get home. I would also like to fit some DDR in there, too, though. I need some fun AND exercise in my days. Wednesday I have an appointment to finally get my face waxed. It has been nearly 7 weeks! Way too long for me. I look like .. a man. Haha That’s at 2:30. After that I would like to stop at Perfect Look to get my hair cut. Yeah it’s basically Supercuts, just closer to our house. With my coupon, I can get a cut for $10. We also have to take Bruzer around that time. =’( I am so sad and worried about that. We have only left him for two nights, when we had to go to Vegas right after my dad passed away. And that was at home. This will be for 10 days in a kennel. I’m just not happy about it.

Ok. This plan I speak of. I am really trying to ‘healthy-up’ myself. Eating better. Living better. I know my plans always seem to fizzle, but maybe if I share them with whomever is reading about my boring life, I’ll feel compelled to carry them out. The current plan (my family likes to change plans all the time) is that we’ll go to the storage unit really early in the morning. So. I would really like to wake up a bit earlier than they want to go (maybe 6ish) and go for a 30min. walk (maybe jog if I’m feeling ambitious) before spending my day in grief and misery. One thing you’ll learn about me. I am not a morning person. Making this plan even more .. far-fetched. However. I know I can do it. I just have to do it. I’m packing my Nike shoes and some comfy clothes. If anyone has the urge to encourage me … bring it on! =) Um. I also want to continue my good eating habits there. It’s very difficult because I feel awkward not eating what they prepare. But they eat terribly. Eddie and I are very conscious of the ingredients of our food. Absolutely no hydrogenated oils. And for the most part, no high fructose corn syrup. That rules out most of their refrigerator and cabinet. I really would just like some fresh fruits and veggies and some wheat bread that doesn’t have high fructose corn syrup. I’m thinking of packing one of those soft, over-the-shoulder coolers with the food that we haven’t eaten yet. I might even pick up some stuff from the store if I can fit more in there. That should last me the first few days at least.

Wow I’m really making up for not posting, eh? =D

Last thing. Microbiology. I got an email today from my advisor, asking me if I would be a speaker for her orientation class this fall. It is required for all micro majors. Eddie and I took it as freshman. She says it is ‘just’ a 20 minute presentation on my goals, research, involvement in MSA (our club), etc. Ok. This is a good opportunity for me. She will be writing me a recommendation letter next spring for my med school applications. But, have I mentioned I am terrified of speaking?!?! Seriously. I have only given one presentation in the last … maybe … 6 years. I definitely need to do it. But, I’m nervous. I just need to think of it as more of an informal talk to students in a position that I was in 3 years ago. What was I concerned with then? What kind of stuff did I want to hear about from a senior? I really just want to help them. So, I’m going to do it. Just. Wish me luck. I don’t want them to see my nerves. It makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Oh. Also, she said that she and the other advisor think I would ‘be great’! Eddie says I am a good representation of micro. What does that mean? Lol It was nice of them all to say. And I’m doing it. Which reminds me. I’ll have to email her back.

I guess that’s it. I actually feel like spilling about all of my thoughts, but it is nearly 1am. I would really like to get up earlier than 15min. before we plan on leaving. And Eddie really wants to go upstairs and work on his UI for EQ. Thanks for reading. Sometimes an audience is nice. It gets lonely in my head. =D

Until next time… (which might be a while since we’re leaving)

Orange, White, and Innocent

I am not having any writing ’sparks’. Just bored. Eddie’s on EQ. Surprised? =D Football comes on at 7 (one hour). Actually football is on all day, but a game I want to watch is on at 7. I am having one of those ‘in limbo’ days. Nothing is sparking my interest. I am not enjoying anything. Football will hopefully be fun. I am just tired of feeling so wishy-washy. During the week I have a hard time handling a lot, and on the weekend I need something to do.

I have looked at grieving blogs/forums online. They seem to help a lot of people. I guess it did help me somewhat. I learned that other people suffer from the same kind of depression and feelings of losing your mind. I don’t know if that makes it normal, but it makes me feel more normal. There have been a few times when I was really worried about myself. I still am, but I think if I don’t hold onto the notion that it will get better with time, then I have nothing to hold onto.

This three-day weekend is nice. I think. I am super happy to not have to try to concentrate on class or go to work. But, I am already experiencing my restlessness problem. I think I’ll take that trade-off right now, though. Motivation is not coming easy to me in this last stretch. Two finals this friday. Then done until fall term starts. Until then I just get to worry about our trip to Las Vegas to go through and clean out my dad’s storage unit and visit one of his banks. Bleh. It is just a very stressful thing for me. Trips are stressful for me anyway. This just piles it on. Get through that. Get through fall term. Visit family in December. Get through winter term. Done. Well… then desperately try to find jobs because there will be no more financial aid to live off. THEN. Take MCATs. Cry if those don’t go well. Write personal statement. Send applications. Hope for and get nervous about interviews. Hope work doesn’t give a hard time about taking time off for interviews. Probably charge a lot on the credit cards for interview trips. And finally be really scared about if and from where acceptance letters will arrive because that will probably determine most of the near future .. and possibly the far future. Now I remember why I hate thinking about this stuff. It’s nice how a simple thought about a three-day weekend can end in utter distress. Damn it.

We’ll see if I feel like adding anything later. For now I’m going to go find and love Punkie, our kitty. How nice it must be to be fluffy and innocent with no worries. Until next time…